Exhausted
by Bookworm290
Summary: It was the same stupid exercises, same annoying herbs, and same pitying looks. Day after day.  Briarlight has seemed to settle into her new lifestyle with an enthusiasm to be proud of. But there's one cat who can see through her disguise...


****

Yeah, I should be writing Forbidden Love, but I _really_ wanted to write this. Now, if you're like me and you listen to music when you read, I recommend songs such as:

**Undertow - Timbaland ft. The Fray & Esthero . . . . . . . . . In My Veins - Andrew Belle(*highly rec.*) . . . . . . . or, you know, songs from LOTR like 'May It Be' or 'Into The West', etc. Or just anysong you like that's saddish and slowish.**

**Key words here: _SADDISH AND SLOWISH SONGS!_**

* * *

Exhausting

It was exhausting. Her whole way of life was just exhausting. It was the same stupid exercises, same annoying herbs, and same pitying looks. Day. After. Day.

Exhausting.

Briarlight began to fall into a steady routine. Sleep, stretch, eat, eat herbs, sleep, stretch, eat, eat herbs, sleep. Maybe throw some more sleep in there.

Exhausting. And boring. Mainly, her joy came from her constant companions, Molekit, Cherrykit, and Jayfeather. She tried not to think about the day when the kits would become 'paws, and have things to do, _outside_ of the camp. Where she couldn't go. And although Jayfeather wasn't there all the time, and was blind, and acted a little strangely once in a while, and sometimes got testy, at least he wouldn't leave. It was his den, after all.

He couldn't kick her out, could he?

* * *

Sometimes, Briarlight would just stop stretching, stop choking down herbs, and just sit. Sit and think. Think of what her life would be like as a full warrior, sleeping in the warriors den, going on patrols, finding a mate...

But then Jayfeather would pull her out.

"Briarlight. Stop." As if he knew exactly what she was thinking. He probably did, too. Jayfeather was like that.

* * *

"What's wrong with her? Jayfeather, do something! She's coughing! What's wrong?" Millie's frantic yowling grated on Briarlight's ears. But she didn't have the voice to tell her to be quite, she just kept on coughing and coughing, continuously coughing, like she was trying to spit something out. Not that anything _was _coming out.

"Yes, I'm aware of that Millie." Jayfeather's dry, sarcastic voice filled that air as he came towards Briarlight. "Graystripe could you..." As Jayfeather began to rub her chest with his paws, she could hear Graystripe muttering to his mate. Her parents sure had picked the wrong time to come for a visit.

Jayfeather lightened his rubbing as Briarlight's coughing subsided, then stopped altogether as she began to take in huge breaths. He bent over, putting his head next to her chest to listen to her breathing. Briarlight bowed her head, her eyelids brushing against his head.

He straightened up, apparently satisfied with her breathing. "How are you feeling?" he asked quietly. Briarlight watched as her father lead Millie out of the den, waving her tail to her in farewell before disappearing from sight.

Turning to Jayfeather, she said, "Exhausted."

And she was asleep in moments.

* * *

Briarlight blinked sleepily. "Come on, come on, come on! Let's go Briarlight, lets go!" Molekit and Cherrykit's favourite thing to do (besides sneak out of camp) was wake up Briarlight. It was their daily ritual.

"You guys, I'm awake, I'm awake!" she protested as she rose unsteadily to her feet. Cherrykit was on her back, and Molekit was trying to leap up beside her, but kept on falling off.

"You two better be careful! You don't want to make her so tired that she can't go outside with you two, do you?" Jayfeather said, coming out of nowhere.

"No!" the kits cried, hurriedly climbing off Briarlight's back. Briarlight gave a silent sigh and nodded thanks to Jayfeather. _Mousebrain! He can't see you! _Briarlight mentally hit her head on the ground. _I'll just have to thank him when I get back._

"Well we're off to the fresh-kill pile! Be back later!" Just before she rounded the bend, she turned back to see Jayfeather nod, as if in reply to hers. Briarlight widened her eyes in shock. As she dragged herself over to the fresh-kill pile, Molekit and Cherrykit cheering her on the whole way, she couldn't stop thinking about that nod. Had he meant 'you're welcome, I got your thank you'? Or was he being crazy like the kits sometimes joked and giggled about? Briarlight didn't know, but whichever it was, it kind of scared her. A blind cat, can't see, right? So why was it like Jayfeather could?

"Briarlight? You awake?" Briarlight blinked, looking around. She was standing (as well as she could) at the fresh-kill pile with a squirrel hanging limply from her mouth. The kits were sitting patiently beside her, quite as she'd ever seen them. And Whitetail was there with her two daughters, all three of them looking at her with concern and confusion.

"Oh, yeah, I was just...thinking. Great day, isn't it?" Briarlight said hurriedly before turning to leave. "Coming kits?"

It was as she was walking back to the den that she realized that it was a very cloudy day. And it wasn't until after she got back into her nest and was sharing the squirrel that it started to rain. _Great day...they must think I'm insane._

And later, when the kits had left and Jayfeather was out who-knows-where (he seemed to disappear with his brother a lot), that Briarlight thought to herself _I'm not insane. Just tired. Exhausted, even._

_

* * *

_

Somewhere along the line, Briarlight found that her old apprentice crush, Foxleap, didn't pop into her head when she fancied a warrior's life.

Jayfeather did.

She could hardly believe it. She'd kind of fallen in love with the medicine cat. Wouldn't Millie be thrilled? She, Briarlight, had _fallen in love_ with him, Jayfeather.

Jayfeather had been called a lot of things. Stubborn, annoying, blind young 'un...it went on. As 'paws, Briarlight and her littermates had called him 'Thistleface' behind his back.

The one name that everyone, including Jayfeather himself, knew he would never be called was 'mate'. He was a medicine cat.

He was the cat that Briarlight had laughed at or gossiped about her whole life. Her life before the tree fell. Before Longtail died. And before half of Briarlight died.

But, sometimes it didn't seem to matter. Because she was in love now. No, she wouldn't be able to run again, or fight, or hunt, or live a warrior's life, which she had dreamed of ever since she'd been a kit. But it was okay. She knew what it was like to love someone, really love them. She felt like she could do anything when Jayfeather was around, and would do it, as long as he asked.

* * *

Briarlight grunted as she stretched up on her front legs, then collapsed onto the ground. She was _so _lucky. By far, the luckiest cat around the lake. Briarlight dropped her head and sighed. Millie would surely scold her daughter if she could hear her thoughts.

And one thing was for sure – she was lucky, to be alive, at least.

She could still hear, smell, taste, see, and feel. Well, mostly. Jayfeather walked out of his den, then gave Briarlight a look, making her shiver. It was scary, how he could look at her without really seeing. Sometimes, Briarlight thought that Jayfeather saw more that most cats, even though he couldn't see at all. Almost like he could see a cat's soul, rather than their pelts.

"Briarlight," his voice shook her out of her thoughts. "Keep going with that exercise. Millie will be here soon, and I want to be able to tell her that you're all caught up and ready for a nap."

Briarlight stifled a purr. Jayfeather knew her so well. She didn't want to be awake when Millie came, since her mother tended to fuss over her, big time. So, she and Jayfeather had a little arrangement. She finished her exercises when Millie was on patrol, then she could 'sleep' when her mother came. Although, a lot of the time, she did actually sleep. Was that a bad sign? Briarlight had heard Jayfeather and Graystripe murmuring once when she was 'asleep' about how ShadowClan warrior had had a similar injury to hers. And he had died. Of a cough. Briarlight didn't mean to be mean, but she didn't want to die a weakling like that ShadowClan warrior...she couldn't die that way.

After her father had left, Briarlight 'woke up' and yawned innocently, trying to keep terror off her face, even though Jayfeather was the only one around. Sometimes it felt like he could see her though. And it seemed like that that time. His eyes gazed right into hers, and even though she knew he couldn't actually see her, she got embarrassed all the same.

His eyes had been searching her soul, she could just feel it. Briarlight had automatically turned around, settling back in for sleep. She couldn't say that she didn't like it when Jayfeather did that, but she was scared, and she didn't want him to know that. She didn't want him to think she was weak.

Accidently, she'd started to actually drift off, and so she'd never be sure if she'd imagined the gentle lick on her head or not.

* * *

Briarlight woke up, gasping for air. She couldn't breathe. No air. No air. No air, no, air, noair,noairnoairnoair.

All of a sudden, paws were rubbing her chest, and magically, she found that she could take in a breath again. Briarlight collapsed against her nest, exhausted.

"No, you can't do that. Get up." Jayfeather. What was he doing here..._well, of course, mousebrain. Who else would be in the _medicine cat's den_ in the middle of the night? _Right. Briarlight struggled with her front legs, trying to sort them out and stand straight without them shaking too badly. It didn't work.

As soon as Jayfeather sensed that she was up, he started to rub her chest again. Answering her silent question, he said, "You were probably choking on some herbs. So we need to get them out, or you'll just choke again. Their coming out, one way or another."

And it turned out that spitting them up proved to be one way. Jayfeather cleared out the rest of her now-soiled nest and told her to rest in his nest until he got back. As Briarlight dragged herself over to his nest and got settled as well as she could, she cautiously put her head down on her legs. If it wasn't safe for her to do that now, she would just shred something. Retching that much shouldn't be possible. Her throat was really sore.

Which reminded her. She could just go get a drink from the pool. Briarlight breathed in and changed her mind. Her throat would be okay. Right now, she would just enjoy Jayfeather's nest. His scent wafted slowly into her nose, and she drifted off into sleep.

* * *

Briarlight felt a lick on her ear. Flicking it, she grumbled. "Go away. I'm sleeping."

"But Briarlight, you need to eat some borage. You're kits will come any day now, and you'll need milk for when they do."

Briarlight sat up, blinking rapidly. Jayfeather was sitting next to her nest with a pile of leaves by his feet. "What do you mean, my kits? What are you..." she drifted off as she took in her surroundings. Ferncloud and Daisy were across the den, sound asleep. And, on her other side, was Hazeltail with two tiny bundles of fur snuggled up against her stomach. _What in the name of StarClan...?_

Looking at Jayfeather, she noticed a tiny spark in his eyes. He shook his head as if trying to rid it of something, then pushed the herbs towards her. "Eat up." Staring at the herbs blankly, Briarlight did as she was told.

She spent the rest of the day lying in the den. The _queen's_ den, doing basically nothing and listening to Daisy and Ferncloud gossip, Hazeltail snore, and her two tiny kits, Silverkit and Featherkit, roll around just outside of the den. Jayfeather visited occasionally, bringing her herbs for her kits, and for her legs, which were still motionless in this...place. This alternate world.

And then, just as she was eating vole for dinner that Featherkit and Silverkit had fought over to fetch for her, waves of pain started in her chest, moving back down her body until they stopped. Moving past her tailbone, she couldn't feel. All of a sudden, Briarlight was swept up in an unbelievable terror for her kits that didn't exist. Because this place didn't really exist, right? But...if it did...how was she supposed to birth kits if she couldn't feel what she was doing?

Briarlight hadn't been aware that she was gasping in pain until Jayfeather rushed in with Foxleap right behind him. What was he doing here? Oh well, it didn't matter.

She was vaguely aware of Jayfeather asking her something, but she couldn't tell what, so she just started talking. "It...it hurts...so bad...but I can't feel past m-my tail...tailbone. Jayfeather, wh-what am I going to do?" Briarlight was aware that her voice had gotten slightly hysterical at the end, but she was in too much pain to care. And _what_ in _StarClan's _name, was Foxleap doing here, sitting at the entrance like a fat lump?

All of a sudden, sound rushed back into her ears. Daisy and Ferncloud murmuring concernedly in the corner, Hazeltail and her kits outside, the two little ones vying their mother for attention, not a care in the world.

"Briarlight, Briarlight, look at me." Briarlight yanked her head to face forwards right into Jayfeather's pale blue, sightless ones. Sensing that he had her attention, he meowed, "Briarlight, I know you're worried for your kits." He seemed to choke on the word 'your' a little. "But we're going to do this. It'll be okay. We can do this. Just have faith in StarClan."

Time seemed to...well, change after that. Briarlight wasn't sure if it was speeding up or slowing down, because all of a sudden, "It's a tom! And another tom!" but then, she couldn't, just couldn't push anymore. She couldn't feel her stomach, her muscles were on fire, she was dying. She couldn't...

All of a sudden, fierce licks were covering her face, mixed with words every once in a while. Briarlight could barely understand what the voice was saying. "Come on, Briarlight, You're strong, you are _so_ strong, you can do this, you can do this, please, please just do this." a frantic meowing. Then, a fervent whisper, "Just do this for me, please."

"Jayfeather," she gasped. She could hardly breathe. How had it come down to this? How could she do this? She called on the last reserves of her strength, and found that it was made up of love. Love for Jayfeather. Even in this alternate world, not a lot had seemed to change...oh, StarClan. It hurt. It _hurt._

"It's a she-cat!" Daisy's voice floated to Briarlight's ears, seemed frail and weak compared to the voice in her other ear. Jayfeather's. "It's a she-cat, you're doing great Briarlight, one more, only one more. You can do this, I know you can."

And Briarlight believed him. She could do anything, and she would, if he asked her. And so she did.

Collapsed on her nest a few minutes later, Briarlight breathed in deeply, exhausted. Briarlight was too tired to even lift her head when a cat shoved their nose into her ear. It flinched involuntarily, the nose as cold as a piece of ice.

"I'm so proud of you." Briarlight froze. Foxleap. He was still here? "Our kits are so beautiful, almost as beautiful as you are." Oh. Well, now she knew why he'd been here the whole time.

Briarlight turned her head away from her old crush's (and apparently, mate's) face, and met Jayfeather's. Briarlight jerked her head back slightly, stifling a gasp. When she'd been birthing, she thought she was going to die, and bring down those innocent kits to StarClan with her. But Jayfeather had encouraged her, believed in her, even when she hadn't...and she loved him. Not Foxleap. And where had Foxleap been the whole time she'd had _their_ kits? Oh yeah, by the entrance, like a fat lump. Actually, where had he been _all day_? She'd only had the crazy queens for company most of the time, except when...except when Jayfeather came.

No. No way. Briarlight shook her head, her eyes wide with unbelief. And once again, it was like Jayfeather knew exactly what she was thinking, like he could see her soul. And he nodded slowly.

* * *

"No, no, no...no, it can't be true!" Briarlight opened her eyes, her chest heaving as she took in huge breaths. Looking around, she saw that Jayfeather was sitting in the sand, his head bowed. He was perfectly still, and looked as if he hadn't moved an inch since LionClan had been around.

Briarlight took one last breath in, then said quietly, "Jayfeather?" His tail tip twitched, which Briarlight took as a 'yes'.

"I...I had a dream." Out of the corner of her eye, Briarlight could see that dawn was just begin to gather, StarClan ready to leave the night sky once more. Jayfeather's tail tip twitched again. Briarlight swallowed.

Before she could open her mouth, Jayfeather raised his head abruptly. Briarlight immediately recoiled from what she saw in his eyes. They seemed to be glowing from all the emotion swirling around inside of them.

"And how was your dream? Or what, may I ask? Were you running through the woods after mice, or fighting a battle against rogue cats, or maybe saving the day? These are all very common dreams, let me tell you. I've seen enough to know." Briarlight flinched again. Jayfeather's voice was sharp and cold, like talons slicing through her fur, or icicles, for all the warmth that it held.

Seen enough of them? "Wh-what do you mean, Jayfeather?"

His eyes narrowed, and as they did, Briarlight identified what was in his eyes. Anger. And love. "I mean, _Briarlight_," He fairly hissed her name, "that I can walk in dreams. It is a gift that StarClan has given me, and it does not always get used by my choice."

He let that sink in for a second before continuing. "And you had _quite_ the dream last night, didn't you Briarlight?"

Briarlight dropped her gaze to her paws as a wave of embarrassment washed over her fur. She didn't know what to say, didn't have the slightest clue.

But it didn't seem that she needed to, because at that second, Jayfeather stood up and stalked out of the den. Little drops fell on Briarlight's paws. Blinking rapidly, she realized what they were. Tears. That was odd. She'd never cried before.

Resting her head on her paws, she closed her eyes, waiting for her tears to end. "I'm just so exhausted..." she whispered.

* * *

When Briarlight woke up, she was instantly aware of two things before she even opened her eyes. One: Jayfeather was back, and it was past sunhigh. He'd been gone a while (or she'd slept a while). And two: she could tell her eyes were still glistening from her tears, and she didn't want to open her eyes, to let Jayfeather see. Cats rarely cried, and she had cried quite a bit that morning.

Eventually she gave up and opened her eyes. Sitting up and stretching out her front two legs, she looked up and jumped in shock. Jayfeather was standing right in front of her, his eyes looking straight into hers.

Briarlight's throat constricted up, and she didn't know what to do. Then, she started to laugh, purr, and shake with amusement. She fell back against the nest and tried to calm herself, but looking up again, just started to laugh some more at the look on Jayfeather's face, a look of pure confusion.

Her original reason for her amusement was the fact of how stupid she was sometimes. She hadn't wanted to open her eyes because then Jayfeather could tell that she had been crying. But Jayfeather was _blind._ He either already knew, or never would.

When she calmed down, Jayfeather, still looking slightly confused, sat down next to her. "Briarlight...we need to talk." And then, as if she was a kit, he added for clarification, "About your dream."

Briarlight couldn't bear to look at Jayfeather, so she turned her head to look at the pool. Jayfeather said gently, "Briarlight." Taking a breath, she turned back to Jayfeather. Unlike this morning, his eyes were now...well, the only word to describe them was tender, but Briarlight wasn't sure if that word was accurate enough.

Jayfeather pulled her out of her thoughts. "Briarlight, I went to the Moonpool today." He seemed to hesitate before continuing on. "Briarlight, that dream..." his voice faded away, and Briarlight could tell he was remembering what happened. He shook his head as if to get rid of the memories, and meowed, "Briarlight, that was no dream. Or, at least, no ordinary dream. It was sent to you by StarClan." Looking down at his paws lying next to Briarlight's, he added quietly, "I think it was meant for me too."

Jayfeather whipped his head up, his eyes looking right into Briarlight 's soul. "Briarlight, StarClan was warning us that even if we love each other, it can't and won't go anywhere. And that we're better off not loving each other...but I don't think I can do that."

Briarlight's heart was breaking. She didn't realize that she was crying until Jayfeather slowly leaned forward and licked her muzzle, wiping the tears away. Briarlight tried to laugh, but it came out more like a hack. "Is it possible for a cat to cry so much?" she choked out, leaning in to Jayfeather. It was rare for him to show so much emotion (unless it was annoyance), and Briarlight was planning on taking advantage of it. Jayfeather continued to groom her, both of them lying down, their bodies twisting around each other, her legs no obstacle to her being completely comfortable and happy. Briarlight slowly closed her eyes, and fell asleep to the rhythmic strokes on her flank. And this time, when she felt the gentle lick on her head as she drifted away, she was sure it was real.

* * *

"So then, Dovepaw leapt off the tree, landed on Cloudtail's back, and stopped him from getting the stick! It was amazing, like she was an actual dove, flying through the sky...Briarlight? Are you listening?" Blossomfall asked her littermate suspiciously.

Briarlight looked to her sister. "Of course I am, Blossomfall. I'm just tired, that's all." Just then, Jayfeather came out of the cleft in the rock where he kept his herbs. And, sure enough, her herbs were in his mouth. Briarlight's heart did a tiny flip as he walked towards her and dropped the herbs in front of her. Looking into her eyes, he simply said, "Don't forget." A flash of understanding flowed between them. From two words and one look, Briarlight knew that Jayfeather was going to collect herbs, he wouldn't be long, and that he'd miss her. Jayfeather knew that Briarlight wasn't enjoying hearing about the life she couldn't have, wasn't _actually_ tired, and would miss him.

Briarlight felt a piece of her heart leave with the medicine cat and settled her head down on her paws, hoping she looked tired enough for her sister to leave soon. Half-listening to Blossomfall, she started choking down her herbs. Then she started actually choking on them. Blossomfall rushed over and started rubbing her chest just like she'd seen Jayfeather do...once. _Hopefully I'm doing this right. _Blossomfall thought to herself as she tried to help her sister. And, it seemed to work. Briarlight stopped coughing and cleared her throat.

"Are you all right now?" Blossomfall asked worriedly. "Do you want me to go see if I can find Jayfeather?"

"No, no it's fine. He's long gone by now. I just have to catch my breath." Blossomfall settled down by her littermate, running her tail along her back.

"That's kind of ironic. I was just commenting on how you and Jayfeather-"

"What _were_ you saying?" Briarlight interrupted. She already knew, but she had to be sure. It had sounded like Blossomfall had said...had said that Jayfeather and her were mates...why would she say that? Had she been there that day?

Blossomfall looked surprised. "W-well, I was saying that you and Jayfeather seem really close."

"And did you say anything after that?" Briarlight pressed.

"Um, that you two are all but mates, you're so close. I just found it funny, because Jayfeather didn't say where he was going when he left, but you..."

Briarlight's hearing left and she stared at the ground. _All but mates..._ Blossomfall was dead on. Jayfeather and Briarlight practically were mates, Briarlight guessed. They couldn't be actual mates though. Neither of them were warriors, and Briarlight already knew what it was like to have kits with no feeling in her legs. And StarClan had warned them. _But_, Briarlight reasoned, _pretty much in every other way, we're mates. Or at least as close as you can get._

Later, when Blossomfall had left, Briarlight lay in the same position she had pretty much all day. Head on paws, back legs flopped out uselessly behind her. She watched the sun set, and, surprising herself, she started to daydream. She hadn't done that in awhile. But this was way different from her other ones. No warrior's life, no Foxleap, and no medicine cats. Just Briarlight and Jayfeather. Two cats that loved each other, and got to live with that love, no hiding or containing it. Blinking sleepily, Briarlight realized that that was all she needed to make her happy. Jayfeather. Her eyelids getting heavier and heavier, she barely registered in her mind that a cat was walking through the orange light that was shining into the den.

As Jayfeather lay down beside her, Briarlight turned her head slightly to see his face. Leaning forward, he licked her muzzle. Softly, he meowed, "You're crying again. It's not common for a cat to cry so much. What's wrong?"

Returning the lick, Briarlight whispered, "Nothing's wrong. I just learned something."

"And what's that?"

"I feel _happy_, Jayfeather. I'm not so exhausted anymore." Briarlight tilted her head down, and Jayfeather rested his head on top of hers.

"I know Briarlight, I know."

* * *

**Now, I just realized that it looks as if she fell asleep in one section and woke up right in the next. No, this thing covers moons. There _is_ time span...anyhow...don't hate me if it's bad or if you don't like the couple! (but, I guess it's okay if you don't like the _writing_). But, tell me what you think of it. I know that Jayfeather's kind of OOC (okay, a lot). But I was listening to the songs I recommened up at the top, and my defense is: Jayfeather's in love!**

**Yeah, pretty weak, but, what can I say? Oh, and keep in mind, I haven't read 'Night Whispers' yet! so don't go spoiling it for me, or saying it doesn't match with the book, or that Hazeltail doesn't have kits, or something like that. Okay? Alright! Great! Thanks for reading, and please review (how bad was this one-shot?)! **


End file.
